Breaking Down
by AudreyRMiller
Summary: My take on what could have happened prior to the bathroom scene between Callie and Arizona in S09E03. Rated M for language. It's my first fic...be nice!


_*BAMMM* _

Arizona's body shivered a little from the vibrations of the front door slamming.

"_Well, there goes another one_" she thought to herself. She had just fired Gloria, the house nurse. In fact it was the third nurse she had fired, since she was released from the hospital.

Arizona was in bed, lying on her back and facing the ceiling. _Who did that nurse think she was?_ Arizona thought to herself. She was a grown woman for God sake! And if she wanted to stay in bed, then that stupid nurse had no business telling her what to do. Arizona sighed. She hated her life. She _hated _it. She hated what had become of her. That's all she felt these days – _hate_. And anger. Ugh…she disgusted herself. Lying like that in bed like some useless potato and feeling sorry for herself. Her old self would have never done that.

Putting all the self loathing on a hold, all of the sudden Arizona felt the urging sensation to pee. She turned her gaze to the bathroom, the toilet was only a few steps from her, but right, now it looked like miles and miles away. She bit her lips in hesitation and tried to figure out what to do. Arizona used her arms to pull her body into an upright position. She reached out and grabbed the crutches that were leaning next to her bed side. _I would show that nurse_, Arizona argued mentally. She took a second look to the bathroom; it was only what – 5? 6? Steps to the toilet. She could handle that.

Arizona pulled her leg off the bed and situated the crutches under her right arm. She leaned on the crutches and pulled her body into a standing position. Then she pulled the second crutches under her left arm to stabilize her posture. She took a big breath and started heading over to the bathroom. She made one step and limped forward. _Okay, just a couple more steps _she assured herself. Another slow step forward; and then a couple more.Until there was only one step separating her and the bathroom. _Okay, just one more step._

Arizona's body was shaking and her limbs were hurting. Three months had passed since the amputation but she was still new to the crutches and has rarely used them. She had yet to start rehab, and her right leg wasn't strong enough to carry out the extra weight. She felt the grip beneath the crutches loosen and before she knew it, Arizona fell on the floor.

Arizona opened her eyes and made sure she was okay. She felt a sharp sting coming from her arm; she turned her gaze and saw blood oozing from a nasty cut on the side of it. Aside from a few bruises on her leg and stomach, that would surly turn into a "lovely" shade of grayish – blue in a moment, she was fine. After recuperating from the shock of the fall, she used her hands and started crawling towards the bathroom. Her arms were weak but she made it and was able to pull her body into a sitting position. She rested her back and head on the bathroom door.

Just as she was about to make another attempt at getting up, Arizona felt warm liquid spreading over her thighs. She looked down and saw a yellow puddle spreading on the bathroom floor. _She peed on herself_. _She fucking peed on herself._ _"AHHHHHHHHHH!"_ Arizona screamed her lungs out. She grabbed the tip of the crutches that fell next to her and threw them across the room angrily. She put her face in her hands and started crying in frustration. Ithad been three months since the amputation, but today was the first time Arizona let herself break down in tears.

She cried about losing her leg, about losing her say, about losing herself. She cried about pieces of metal dropping off the sky, about being stuck outta nowhere for 4 days, about seeing people she loved die. She cried about broken promises, about distrustfulness, about betrayal. She cried out of anger, out of desperation, out of emptiness.

She cried about Callie. She cried about how messed up they are, about how they don't talk anymore, about how they don't look at each other anymore. She cried about Callie sleeping over at Mark's place, about Callie crying herself to sleep, about Callie trying so hard. She cried about hating her wife, but still loving her at the same time. She cried because she didn't know if she would ever forgive Callie. She cried because, she no longer trusted her wife.

She cried because she couldn't get dressed by herself. She couldn't take a shower by herself. She couldn't even _pee_ by herself. She cried because she was useless and needy. She cried because she was a burden.

She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve any of this. And neither did Callie.

She cried because, she was afraid Callie would leave her. She cried because, she was afraid she would never stand in an OR again. She cried because, she was afraid to end up alone.

Arizona just sat there and cried. She needed help, but she wasn't the "call for help" kind of person. It was getting late and she knew Callie would be home in less than an hour. Then what would she say? Would she put on another fake smile? Would she be angry at her for firing the nurse? Would she be scared? Ashamed?

Arizona just sat there. That's all she could do, really. And waited for her wife to come home.


End file.
